Tag: identity

The Couple In Ipswich

The identity of one person does not erase another.

There’s a couple who live in Ipswich. One is a cis man, the other is a trans man. They’ve been together for five years. They particularly enjoy going to concerts and will happily spend an evening together watching a history documentary. If anyone should ask them, they will say they are a gay couple.

Now, if this angers you, let me start by saying the problem is entirely of your own making, not theirs. They’re living their life, harming no one, while you are twisting yours into knots.

I am unlikely to ever meet the couple from Ipswich. Firstly, it’s a fair old trek from Bristol to Ipswich, but even so it’s just plain unlikely that this couple and I will ever cross paths. My boyfriend and I occasionally double date with some friends of ours, another gay couple. They live their lives, we live ours, and the couple all the way in Ipswich continue to live theirs. Yet, there are some who believe that the couple from Ipswich effectively erase me and my boyfriend, and presumably the couple we double date with. Strange how they can do that from so far away.

The truth is, that the existence of the couple from Ipswich does not affect me or any other couple one iota. Their being together, and their being precisely who they are does not impact me or anyone else, and frankly I’m more than a little tired of being told that they are somehow a threat. Last time I checked, I have not been erased. The existence of one person cannot erase another.

I am a gay man. I am cis. I am in a relationship with another cis gay man. That is me, and that is us. We are, as Stonewall says, free to be. Those are powerful words that must and do apply to everyone. So long as an individual is harming no one, they must be free to be themselves regardless of what others think.

“But they have no right to say they’re a gay couple! One of them is female!”

Words carry a great deal of power, especially the ones we employ when talking about ourselves. If we are all free to be, then we must be free to describe ourselves in the manner that befits us most. Let’s take a little look at why this belief that a trans person cannot refer to themselves as gay is not only ludicrous, but futile.

Let us say that I did actually meet the couple from Ipswich, and they mention the fact that they’re a gay couple upon our meeting. If I were inclined to take exception to this, what options are available to me? I can insist that they are nothing of the kind, and openly state that because one of them was born female, they must be a straight couple. Alternatively, I could continue chatting with them and manage to avoid stamping my own view of the world on a couple I’ve only just met. As I say, this is if I were inclined to take exception to how they describe their relationship. I am not. Who they are, together or individually, does not change one thing about who I am. It is none of my concern.

Apply to this a wider setting. Imagine the effort it would take to ensure that all such couples do not refer to themselves as a gay couple, or indeed that transgender individuals only use certain words when talking about themselves. It would be exhausting and costly, not to mention a complete waste of time. If a trans man says he is a gay man, he is a gay man. This does not make me any less a gay man too. Frankly, I don’t have the time or energy for such gatekeeping. If he says he is bisexual, then he is bisexual. If he says he is straight, he is straight.

There is a marvellously rich array of words we in the modern era can use to describe ourselves. As I say, I am a gay man in a relationship with another gay man. I know people who are bisexual, and you certainly won’t see me trying to suggest that they are ‘confused’ or should ‘pick a side’. If someone tells me they are bisexual, they are bisexual. I respect self determination, and trust me it isn’t all that hard to do so,

“Ah, but if the man is in a relationship with a trans man, he must be bisexual!”

Not necessarily. Again, I go by what people tell me about themselves. To some people, being gay means being attracted to someone on the basis of sex. To some people, it means being attracted to someone on the basis of gender. Both of these are valid and neither cancels out the other. If we truly live and let live, then there is truly enough room for everyone to get along.

Of course, the term ‘pansexual’ exists, which is being attracted to someone regardless of sex, gender or gender identity. Am I therefore going to go up to the couple from Ipswich and insist that they tell me they’re a pansexual couple? No. I still don’t have the time for that level of gatekeeping. If any couple or individual tells me they’re pansexual, they are pansexual. I can accept that with greater ease than once again trying to stamp another word more to my liking on them. I am still not inclined to do that anyway. People are what they say they are.

“But you can’t even say you’re same sex attracted anymore! You’ll be called a bigot!”

Here’s the thing though, a relationship takes at least two to tango. If you do not wish to date someone because they’re transgender, nobody can force you to. Consent is very much a thing, and the efforts by some to paint transgender people as roving predators who will insist on you dating them is reprehensible. The gross generalisations being thrown about are sickening. The subjects of attraction and relationships are immensely complex, and the vast majority of people, regardless of sexuality or gender identity, value the importance of consent. I have found trans men of my acquaintance attractive. Does this make me any less a gay man? No. I know who and what I am.

We do not do ourselves any favours by engaging in petty squabbling. There are those who would genuinely like to see LGBT people across the world crushed underfoot, and they figure the best way to do it is to get us fighting amongst ourselves. Divide and conquer. The lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community are united because we have all, at one time or another, faced those who dub us ‘abnormal’. We are not abnormal, and we never have been. If we continue to argue over what people get to call themselves, we open the door to some powerful groups who would like to dictate what we all call ourselves, and for the most part they’d like us to identify as ‘dead’.

You have the right to be attracted to someone on the basis of sex. You have the right to be attracted to someone on the basis of gender. You have the right to be attracted to someone regardless of sex or gender, and you have the right to self determination, to stand up and say who you are in your own words. Nobody can dictate who you are attracted to, no more than we should be dictating how people identify. We are free to be. All of us.

Oh, and in case you hadn’t clocked it already, the couple from Ipswich are hypothetical, yet they represent a great many real couples. Real people. Some are far too inclined to lose sight of the fact that when we discuss LGBT issues, we are talking about people. Not ‘ideologies’, but people, and their lived experiences. We could all do with a reminder of that from time to time.

Identity

A blog on the concept of ‘Identity’.

It’s an odd thing, identity. You can have legal documents that prove it. It can, unfortunately, be stolen. One thing I firmly believe, however, is that it cannot be touched. Not in the truest, most pure form of the concept. Your identity is your own, and nobody can knock it.

 

Imagine, for a moment, a world of automatons. Everyone looking, sounding and acting the same. Hideously dull, isn’t it? This is why, when some balk at the term “diversity”, I feel a great swell of pity for them. To exist entirely in an echo chamber and a mirror simultaneously would be immensely boring. The world doesn’t work that way. Life doesn’t work that way. If it did, evolution would grind to a halt. Life relies on diversity in order to evolve and progress. To me, the greatest source of diversity among humans is found in the core of every person. Their identity. Every person is truly unique and it all comes down to their identity.

 

So, what makes up your identity? Let’s begin with the most obvious. A name. They’re important, after all. You come to know someone’s name and they know you’re talking to them when you address them. Seems simple enough, yet we can share names. I know plenty of ‘Davids’ my own age, yet have only come across a handful of them in my own teaching career. Names come and go in popularity, just as they can come and go by choice.

 

We’re given a name at birth, but some choose to change their name legally later in life. This can be for a number of reasons, all of which are relevant only to the person making the decision. Being happy with how you are addressed is important to our sense of identity. Introducing ourselves by name is our first point of contact with another human being. You never start a conversation with “Hello, I’m an engineer, my name is Ryan!” We want people to know our names, to know how to address us. Nicknames are, of course, an extension of this. Names that we’re happy to be called by certain friends. It’s also why name-calling can actually be more hurtful than we sometimes let on. It’s a name we’re not happy to be called and it feels like a dismissal of this first point of human contact. While this might seem like I’m making a point that contradicts my assertion that your identity cannot be touched, it is my firm belief that it is how we deal with others that determines the strength of our identity. You and you alone get to decide on your name. If someone calls you something other than your name, ignore them. They may think they’re talking to you, but you know they are not.

 

‘Dead-naming’ is when someone addresses a transgender person by their former name. It is a particular source of strife for the transgender community, especially when done deliberately and maliciously. The excuse sometimes thrown about is “You’ll always be (blank) to me.” Well, here’s the thing; you don’t get to dictate other people’s identity based on your perceptions. That person’s identity is theirs to determine and theirs alone, just as yours is for you to determine. Addressing someone correctly is a basic act of respect and it isn’t difficult. Remembering their pronouns isn’t actually all that hard either, but in the case of a genuine mistake, the important thing is to correct yourself as swiftly as possible. If your friend comes out to you as transgender or non-binary, show them you respect them.

 

My gender matches my sex. That’s my identity. There are some who feel that how other people identify with regards to gender and sex somehow impacts them in turn. The fundamental truth is, it doesn’t. When someone identifies as a gender that differs from their sex, it does not effect the identity of anyone else. My gender matches my sex and I am attracted to other people of the same sex. I identify as homosexual. If a transgender person identifies as homosexual too, this does not take away or lessen my ability to identify as homosexual. Facets of identity are not some finite resource that cannot be shared. There’s plenty to go around, and someone sharing a trait with you does not diminish you in any way.

 

We’re fortunate to live in a time when our understanding of human sexuality and gender is expanding (though sadly some seek to drag our understanding backwards). We’re giving voice to aspects of both sexuality and gender that previously went unheard. Just as a few examples, we’re affirming the concept of asexuality, where before we might have ignored it. We’re making the distinction between pansexuality and bisexuality. We’re beginning to recognise the spectrum of gender and accepting that some people are non-binary. I think this is a rather exciting time to be alive, and I only have pity for those who can’t see it. The concepts of sexuality and gender are as complex as life itself, and we’re only beginning the exploration.

 

Anyone who knows me will know how much I value empathy. As I said, my gender and my sex are the same and I am attracted to other men. That’s a big part of my identity. I can, however, more than accept that this is not how everyone identifies. As we’ve established, the very idea that everyone should identify the same as everyone else is not only absurd but downright dull.

 

Empathy, the ability to put yourself in the place of another and begin to understand how they feel, is vital when it comes to respecting the identity of someone else. I am not transgender, but I know plenty of people who are. I have not gone through what they have, but I can make an effort to understand. I don’t see any point in trying to distance myself from someone just because they identify differently to me in regards to gender. To attack someone over it just seems ludicrous and spiteful. That’s why, whenever possible, I make the effort to stand up for my transgender friends the same way I would for my other friends in the LGBTQ community when they are attacked. I stand against anyone who would attack others for simply identfying differently.

 

Why do some people attack others for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer? Why is it some people see someone who differs from them and think them a threat, even when they aren’t? The answer is simple. Fear. Our ancestors learned that some things that are different might try to hurt you, and sadly, some people today still hold to this instinct even when it isn’t necessary. They are afraid that the existence of one identity will somehow eclipse or erase their own. If you hold fast to your identity, it cannot be touched by anyone. If you seek to dictate to others how they should identify, well, you can expect them to hold fast to their identity too. There’s an old phrase that really needs to come back. It’s ‘live and let live’. Imagine a world where, upon meeting someone who identifies differently to you, instead of putting up our defences or trying to change them, we said “That’s fascinating. Please, tell me more.”

 

Naturally there are other aspects to identity and the truth is, everyone has their priorities when it comes to this. Some people hold the country of their birth as being the core of their identity, whereas to some it’s simply a geographical happenstance. To many, the colour of their skin is very much linked to their sense of identity, whereas many hold their religious beliefs to be paramount when it comes to defining who they are.  Most people are proud of being something, and this is usually the fundamental source of conflict between us as a species. This raises one final question; is it okay to be proud of your identity?

 

Answering such a question could merit an entire blog, but if you’ve made it this far into this particular blog then I’ll be mercifully brief. Ultimately, yes, I believe it is okay to be proud of your identity. I am proud to be gay.

 

However, being proud of any aspect of your identity does not mean having to attack others for a part of their identity. All too often, the ones who cry “Am I not allowed to be proud of who I am?” are the ones simultaneously attacking others for being themselves. Too often, the right to be proud of yourself is used as an excuse for attacking others. Well, it doesn’t wash with me. If the strength of your identity rests solely on attacking others, that isn’t pride. It’s paranoia. Someone moving into your area who is different to you does not constitute an automatic threat.

 

I’ll leave you with that phrase that really does need to be used more.

 

“Live and let live.”