Tag: mental health

Self Doubt

A brief blog concerning my recent absence from writing and book promotion.

There’s no denying I’ve been busy lately. My day job more than keeps me occupied, and my evenings over the last few weeks have been somewhat fully booked. Just moments ago I was horrified to discover that I haven’t blogged since March. However, the reason I’m doing so today goes beyond just a simple realisation that I should blog something. Yes, I’ve been busy, and for wonderful reasons that I’ll go into momentarily, but lately I’ve been feeling a general sense of malaise when it comes to my writing. Namely; should I even bother?

This isn’t about self pity, or even looking for sympathy. It’s important to acknowledge our feelings rather than bury them. I could keep the mask up, pretend I have ultimate confidence in myself 100% of the time, but I don’t think such an endeavour is really useful to anyone. Not to me, and not to anyone I might come across. We like to think we must always appear confident in order to be in any way successful. However, by acknowledging those moments of self doubt, by properly scrutinising them, we can see them for what they are and use them to spur us on later.

So, as I said, I’ve been busy. Since March of this year I’ve had a big family holiday to America that, due to the travel restrictions in place at the time, we were never quite sure was definitely going to happen. It had been postponed from 2020, and with six of us going there was always the chance that one of us would test positive and that would be it. Then there was the chance of troubles with the airline. We were very fortunate to be able to go, and my sympathies go out to everyone whose trips were disrupted or just plain cancelled by the recent chaos.

Once we got back, I had a trip to Nottingham for a book signing weekend at Em Con. It was my second event since lockdown, the first of which had been mildly successful. This one was Em Con’s flagship event, and I’m pleased to say there was plenty of foot traffic and many copies of the Figment Wars sold. Even so, I confess that at the time the thought of arranging further events for this year filled me with a sense of mild dread. Not all authors have a team of people setting up such events, the vast majority of us do it alone, and it’s a lot of hard work. That weekend, while ultimately successful, was the first time I really began to feel this unease over what I do and my plans for the future.

It’s also worth mentioning that I tested positive for Covid-19 in June. I am double vaccinated and boosted, but still it knocked me for six. Not only did I feel physically low, but the necessary isolation did nothing to help my feelings of self doubt. It was the first time I’d contracted the virus, and my thoughts go out to everyone who has lost someone to it.

What I’ve occasionally had to remind myself of is the fact that I’m currently directing my first play with my local amateur dramatic group. It’s been planned for months, and I’m very much learning as I go, supported by the fantastic members of Sodbury Players. Still, it’s very new to me and there’s a great many things to be done. I’ve performed in shows before, but this is my first time really seeing things from the other side. As Em Con was drawing to a close, we had yet to cast the show, but it would have been weighing heavily on my mind. I would have known full well how busy I was going to be right up until the end of September, which likely explains my reluctance to look into other book signing events this year.

It isn’t just that I wasn’t looking at further book signing events. I haven’t been promoting my book online nearly as much as I used to. Obviously I haven’t blogged. Yes, I’ve been busy with other things but I still maintain it is important to acknowledge the doubt I’ve been feeling over the last few months. I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever really get back to writing properly. If I’ll ever make the time to promote my books again.

The answer, of course, is yes. Yes, I will. I remind myself that, at the moment, my time is being taken up with preparations for the show. Something I’ve been wanting to do for some time. Something I’m deeply passionate about. Once the curtain comes down for the final time, I know I’ll have more time for my books. I know this because I’ve acknowledged that little voice in my head that says I’m not currently doing anything towards promoting my books, but have not allowed it to tell me I’ll never do so again. I’ve looked at my current situation, taken into account everything that is happening, and seen it all for what it is. I may sometimes feel like I’ve failed and will never get back to writing, but the simple fact is I’m just currently busy with something else I feel equally passionate about.

Now I know there are plenty of people with much busier schedules than me. The point is, however, I am not them. I am me. I operate on my level, they on theirs. I live my life, they live theirs. We’re all different, and we all find different ways to cope with the rigours of what we do. I don’t question for a moment whether those who stride across the global stage feel those moments of self doubt too. I know I’m relatively small-time, but the point is we all get these feelings. Personally I think we should be doing more to talk about them. Hence this blog.

Well, that’s it for now. Hopefully this has been helpful to some of you. It certainly has to me. There’s still a few more weeks of rehearsal, but having worked through some of my feelings of doubt in this blog, I promise to make more effort to promote my books and write about various issues. That, after all, was what this blog was all about. May you all take heart, tackle that voice that says you can’t, then go out there and do it anyway.

Oh, did I not mention the name of the play I’m directing? It’s ‘Dracula’!

Take a Break

Why having some time away from writing can be beneficial.

“If you don’t write every day, how can you consider yourself a writer?”

First of all, let’s have none of that. A more unhelpful and unrealistic approach to writing, in my view, does not exist. More than anything else, such a statement is ultimately geared towards making those of us who do not write every day feel inferior. Not as dedicated. Not as good. That’s a mess I’d rather not get into, save for saying that those who espouse such views are guilty of the worst kind of snobbery. Let us instead focus on the positives that come from not just not writing every day, but from taking planned breaks.

I’m currently very much on a break from writing. A planned break. I have not thrown my hands up halfway through a project and decided to give up, though sometimes if a project is causing you distress than taking a short, unplanned break can be immensely beneficial. Our writing is important to us all, but your health must come first. Taking regular breaks, doing something else entirely, not only helps to reduce your stress level but can improve your writing when you do come back, refreshed and ready.

What I mean by a planned break is that I know precisely what projects I will move onto after this break. I have just finished the first draft of a new novel, the word count of which is currently sitting at 228,00. Editing that is going to be a monumental effort, and I’d very much like to feel genuinely rested when I begin to tackle it, coming at it with fresh eyes. There is, of course, a fine line between taking a break and procrastination, but this is where an element of planning comes in.

I shall soon be receiving the manuscript of the third Figment Wars YA novel for my final proofread and seal of approval, ready for publication. This is a vital part of the writing process and will require my full attention when the time comes. I worked extra hard to get the first draft of this other novel done before the manuscript was sent to me, and I have. I’m now enjoying a brief rest period as a reward for that effort. I also know what will signal the end of that break, and what will be required of me. Once I’ve signed off on the manuscript, I have an idea for a One Act play that I shall be tackling. Once that is done, I shall return to the 228,000 word draft and be able to be entirely objective in my editing. The key is planning, knowing which projects you’re going to tackle and in what order. Sometimes there’s a sense of logic and necessity that guides such decisions, other times we have to make some tough choices. We all have a hundred and one ideas floating around in our head. Sometimes you just have to choose, and once you have, stick with it.

Taking this planned break has allowed me to catch up on a few things. I find I’m reading more, and allowing myself to indulge in a few old video games that I’ve always found enjoyable. As restrictions ease I’ve been able to meet up with a few people and catch up with friends. Of course, we can do all these things while we’re working on a writing project. It’s a matter of balance, keeping ourselves driven in writing while not neglecting other aspects of our lives. Still, I am very much a proponent of the idea of taking planned breaks where no writing is done at all. I firmly believe that our best ideas come to us unexpectedly, when we’re at rest. That’s where notepads come in, of course!

Not all writers are able to write full time. The vast majority of us have day jobs and other projects that require our attention. I’m about to return to work in TV and film production as an extra/supporting artiste, something I’m very excited about. During the times when such work is coming thick and fast, it is more than likely that I won’t have much time to write. Forward thinking and planning come into play once again here. Rather than look back and lament the lack of time for writing, I am acknowledging it beforehand and accepting that I will be able to make time for writing later.

Whatever your circumstances, I always advocate making time to rest and take a break from writing every now and then. It can be a gruelling and demanding process, as we all know, so it is important to be kind to yourself. Never beat yourself up if you don’t write every day, and pay no attention to those who would think less of you for it. Life is what we’re all aiming to reflect in our writing, so be sure to make time to live!